I've got imagination and I'm not afraid to use it!

I'm leaving tomorrow. Yay! I'll be back in about two weeks with some new stories :)

Feeling better now. I just really wanna go to the mountains now. Like, right now. But I still have stuff to do on Friday. Can I leave on Friday evening? *looks up train schedules*

Yesterday felt rather like having to pay for the day before. Because apparently my life can't be good for two days in a row. I found out I had failed an exam when I was sure I had at least 60% right. The professor was clearly in  a bad mood. Hardly anyone got more than a "3-".* I decided not to argue. I have once argued with him when he was in a bad mood and that one time was enough. See you in September.
On my way home some asshat tried to hit me with his car. Again. 
Later that day Dad found out about the exam and yelled at me. Then Mum found out about the exam and yelled at me. Then Mum decided to talk to me about the exam and she talked and talked and never said anything she had not said at least twice a year for the last ten years. And then Dad came into my room and wanted to talk about it, but somehow I convinced him to shut the fuck up and go away. He's probably going to want to talk to me again today. And tomorrow. And next week. And next month. And...
You see, when my parents get into their heads that I have a problem I need to talk about they: a) always decide to talk to me when I'm busy doing something else and never ever let me finish it first and b) always have to talk about it over and over again until I'm so sick of it I can't even try to do anything about the actual problem any more. Seriously, I think one of the reasons why I don't get better grades is how they keep talking about it all the freakin' time! And what if I actually managed to improve anyway? It still wouldn't be good enough for them. Recently Dad heard about some kid genius who will probably have his PhD by the time he's 21. Now he seems disappointed that I'm not that kid.
You know how many parents think their little girl/boy is the best and most perfect kid in the world? Well, my parents resent that they might not be entirely right. It probably doesn't help that just before I was born Mum was convinced she'd never be able to have a kid after the baby who would have been my older brother was born dead. Ok, I understand, trauma and all, but now apparently the fact that I'm alive means I'm some kind of miracle and as a miracle it is my duty to be perfect. Argh. Too much damn pressure. Stop it. You're not helping. No, there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just human.
*sigh*
I really need that vacation. I need to go to the mountains and hide away from the world for a couple of days.


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* Note to foreigners and people whose schools think they're too modern for this grading system:
2 = fail, 2,5 = wtf? I don't know, 3/3,5/4/4,5/5 = pass. Also, in my school 4,5 or 5 = the lecturer must think you're a genius, since people who aren't apparently don't deserve it.

I passed the surprise exam. I don't know my exact score, but I passed. Yay.
I also got a job. It's not the one I was expecting, but it sounds more interesting than the insurence stuff or the bank, so yay. I'm starting in three weeks, so I think I'll go somewhere for a week or two before. I need a vacation.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I thought I was just tired, but I'm not tired any more and not being tired any more just makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. So I thought I needed to do something fun. I kinda felt like going to the cinema, but it turned out there were no good movies this evening. In the end I just decided to go for a walk. My parents decided to come with me. At first it seemed nice, but after a while I started to feel like I'm somehow alone anyway and they're not even letting me be alone on my own... 
If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I'd be today, I'd have told you, with the certianity of a young fool who really believes bad things only happen to other people,* that I'd probably be hanging out with some friends (I might have even named some names, because I really thought that some friendships lasted if not forever than at least a little longer), no, not a big party, just hanging around, enjoying the first days of the summer vacation...
Later I learnt that people come and go. I don't even know how many (or how few) friends I have any more. I'm not sure who is and who isn't my friend. So many of them have dissapeared from my life quietly, without saying goodbye. And then there's Catharine. It's been nearly a year since my sister asked me to get the fuck out of her life. I did. It sucked, but what could I do? I thought I was dealing with it pretty well. After a while I almost stopped wondering why. But since her mother invited us to their new place a couple of weeks ago I've been thinking about her again. We talked for the first time in ages and it seemed almost normal. It made me wonder why she did it again. What am I supposed to do? Forget? It's more than half of my life. To forget her, I'd have to forget myself.
...
But really, I think I just need someone to talk to and maybe something to do with my time.


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* Even though some unpleasant stuff had happened to me before, but, you see, things were just getting better for me and I was sure they'd keep on getting better for a while.

     

( MOAR! )

Today was my last exam... for now. Two out of three ain't bad, right? And now I have nothing left to worry about... except that damn internship thing. Argh! Nope. They still don't know. So I've sent some more applications to other companies, but it doesn't seem to work.
The problem with sending e-mails is that those people don't read e-mails and the problem with calling them is that they just tell you to send them an e-mail. It feels so pointless. Yesterday I was invited to a job interview at a bank, but when I came they told me they won't hire me because... my qualifications are too high. Ooookay... Today I called some more people and sent some more e-mails. Right now I think any job will do as long as it requires a bit of thinking. Yeah, I'm pretty much a brain for hire. It would sound pretty cool if it wasn't for the fact that noone seems to want to hire me.
Also, some new neighbours seem to be moving in. I don't know what they're doing to that flat, but after a few days of hearing those drills and hammers and stuff all the time (except maybe a couple of hours each night, because the guy with the drill needs to sleep too) it's starting to feel like the drill is being applied directly to my head. Argh.

You know, it used to be my dream to just not care. Anout what everyone else thought and stuff. For a while I even used to say I didn't, but I don't think anyone ever fell for it.
Everyone always said I shouldn't care too much. They always told me to be myslef. But I must tell you something: All those people who tell you to be yourself? Well, they don't mean yourself.

This looks like one of those days that become long days around 10 a.m.. Even though I only got out of bed at 10:15.

Exam went pretty well.
I'm still waiting for that damn phonecall, though. I tried calling them, so it's probably not because they've already decided they won't give me that job. Someone would have just told me. No, they still don't know. On Friday they were going to call me on Monday, on Monday they were going to call me today. Well, surprise, surprise! Today they're going to call me tomorrow!

I've got an exam today. And I found out about it yesterday... no, wait, it was today already. Last night anyway, I think it was about 1 a.m.,* by accident. When I asked the professor some time earlier when it was going to be, he refused to tell me. Now I want to get a really good grade just to annoy him. Well, at least I've got some kind of motivation. That's good.


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* The most interesting and/or important things on the internet are always found around 1 a.m. There is probably some sort of conspiracy behind it, which for some unknown reason doesn't want me to sleep.

Last night was one of the shortest nights of the year. Some people say it was the shortest night, but I'm not sure I believe that. I mean, in the last seven years or so the shortest night of the year was always a Saturday night? Anyway, it's a big deal in Gdynia for some reason. There are concerts and fireworks and stuff. And some parts of the city are awfully crowded, of course.
Well, I went for a walk last night. I don't like crowds, but somehow I wanted to be there. I think I was looking for something. And, of course, remembering a similar night about seven years ago.
There was nothing magical about that night, not in the city, with all the crowds and bright lights and loud music. In fact, on that night I had no idea I was going to remember it in seven years' time. It was the day after my last day in middle school. I met up with some of my classmates (well, ex-classmates) and had some fun. And that's about it. There were more evenings like that that summer. Why am I even thinking about it? I guess it's just the fact that we were no longer classmates, but we were still hanging around together. That something had technically ended but it wasn't quite over yet. For what seems like only a moment now I thought some of those friendships might last forever.
It felt so nice to believe in forever. Now it's sometimes hard to convince myself that there is a tomorrow. People come and go and they take my comfortable illusions with them...
I think I can vaguely remember something my teacher in elementary school used to say. When someone wasn't paying attention or something, she would sometimes say "What are you looking for? Yesterday?". This sounds a little better in Polish, but it still seemed silly to a seven-year-old. But last night I think I was looking for seven years ago. Of course I didn't find it.
...
And so on. I'm not sure why, but I keep remembering things lately. And thinking about people I miss, and wondering where they are now and stuff. It's a bit distracting. And this really isn't a good moment to be distracted by the past. I have a future to think about and it involves exams.

I decided this needs to be an icon:

 

Classes are over. Exams start soon. And I still don't know when one of them is. And I keep getting this annoying feeling that someone isn't telling me something. Other than that, I mean.
Also, still waiting for that phonecall. Argh. Call me already! I need to know, like, right now. 
Actually, I need to know a week ago, but there's nothing we can do about that any more and noone cares about deadlines that much anyway, but ARGH!

Another test. And it ended two hours ago and I've already got the results. Wow, that was fast. 76,25%. Yay!

I've just had an odd conversation with some woman in the street. First she asked me what day of the week it is. I told her it's Thursday. She then spent a couple of minutes trying to convince me it was Friday, because Corpus Christi is always on a Thursday.
'Yeah,' I said 'And it's today, isn't it?'
'No, that was yesterday!'
She then said something about churches that I didn't quite understand and asked me again what day it was.
'Um. Thursday?'
'No, it's Friday,' she argued 'It's got to be Friday. Corpus Christi is always on a Thursday.'
'Yeah. And it's today... '
Over and over again. She didn't seem to realise she was repeating herself. She just seemed to believe she must convince me that today is, in fact, a Friday. Wtf?

I ate the melon (which was obviously plotting against me, because everything is today). Mwahahahaha! Vengeance is sweet... Well, melon-flavoured.

No, really. Everything hates me today, including: a lot of people, my computer, the weather, my own hair, a pen and a bottle of beer. I am currently wondering what half a melon can do to annoy me. Since I can't think of anything, it's probably going to be creative.
Well, at least I haven't been killed by a misplaced tram yet.

With my luck today I am expecting to get run over by a tram on my way home. In Gdynia. Which has no damn trams.
Should this hapen, please write "I told you so." on my grave.

I thought that Physics test was supposed to be on Friday. Wtf? I might have failed, because I didn't see it coming. *sigh*
Then there was that job interview. They'll call me. Well, I hope it means they will call me. Argh. But, since the lady I talked to was shocked to find out a girl studies maths, I don't reckon there are many candidates for the job.
Then there was just enough time to get really bored waiting for yet another test, but not enough to go home and have lunch. At least the test didn't go as badly as I expected.

Well, if I survived this day the rest of the week should be easy.